Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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