Me too!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
