My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
