you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
