I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
