we have officially lost it.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
