you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
