i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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