You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
