Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
