no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
