Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
