What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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