Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my phone needs a breathalizer
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
