I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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