my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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