remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
