2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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