you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
