these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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