just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
