Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
