mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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