Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
