My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
