Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Randomize
