exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
