Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I see more hoeing in ur future
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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