Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
