if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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