is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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