you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
they need to just BURY HIM!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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