Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
