She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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