Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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