party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
