threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
