fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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