The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
