he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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