You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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