I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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