Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
