my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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