I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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