god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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