i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
