Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
