I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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