Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
