I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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