I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
