I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
