Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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