Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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