When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
