At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
