Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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