If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just pee around me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
