Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
